I Don't Want to "Go There"

My hard headed, short-sighted, but otherwise lovely daughter does not seem interested in the great advice I have to give her.
I am trying to talk with her about the importance of asking herself the “big questions”, of getting clear about what she values, how she wants to walk through this world, who she chooses to be. I wish that someone had taken the time to get to know and understand me so well when I was a kid, and challenge me to get to know and understand myself. Imagine where I could be now!

I was raised by wonderful parents who could not have loved me more, but I don’t think that getting to know my unique self felt like a part of their parental job description. I am probably much like most every parent who has come before me in that I am trying to get this parenting thing “more right”. And so I take with me the bits from my own childhood that blessed me and augment them with pretty much the rest of what I wish had been part of the mix. I am flummoxed by my daughter’s resistance to my insightful support. Can’t she see how lucky she is to be given such sage advice?

But just as I prepare to give full vent to my frustration I am reminded of a wise friend who has taken the time to get to know my unique self, and to offer me some gentle words of wisdom. The truth that we have to share with others, she suggests, is usually first meant for ourselves. Oh. The mere thought of having to turn my own words on myself is enough to make me want to clean out a closet or organize the spice rack. Anything but become reflective, the thought of which makes me squirm. To quote my mother’s favorite phrase, “I do not want to go there.” Hmmm.

I realize that asking myself the big questions, which are usually the most basic questions, requires that I reflect upon my values and priorities, on my hopes for the future – and the gap between them and how I walk through my everyday life. It’s that gap that makes me squirm. It is indicting and, well, I just don’t want to go there.

Big picture reflection takes me way out of my comfort zone. It opens me up to the possibility of taking risks, and of failure. I may look silly. It may be hard. Accountability will be involved. So much easier to weed through my emails or sort the recycling. Much easier to give advice than to take it.

Over two thousand years ago the Greek philosopher Socrates stated that, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” confirming the wisdom of the advice I offer my daughter. But coming face to face with my reticence to apply these words to my own life helps me to empathize with her. And all of the things vying for our attention in this media saturated, multi-tasking, technology laden world provide an additional layer of white noise between us and the space we need to live intentional, thoughtful lives. I am reminded of the airplane analogy of putting on our own oxygen masks before we may assist others. I guess I’d better tend to myself first.

And so, before I start on her again, I am going to suck it up and check in with myself to see how my walk and my talk are measuring up. We may live in unprecedented and unrelenting times, but the truth of Socrates words will never become obsolete. In fact, it may be more important than ever now.