Minding Manners

“Remember to welcome our guests by name." " Don’t forget to make eye contact when you extend your hand for a handshake. ” And so goes the prelude to an evening we will spend with old friends whom my children have not seen for several years. They are scowling. And I am, once again, “The Manners Police”, just one of the many terms of endearment my children have for me. Except that they do not think I am very dear at the moment. They think I am an old relic who places too much emphasis on outdated social niceties.

This causes me to reflect upon the regard for good manners I am attempting to instill in them. Is proper etiquette really just a euphemism for antiquated social rituals? The employment of a special brand of torture I inflict on my kids because my parents inflicted it on me? Do I just want my children to put on an attractive public face to make me look good?

Manners, as defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary are considered “a person’s outward bearing; way of speaking to and treating others.” These courtesies we extend to others are intended to help make this world a nicer and more smoothly operating place. If my kids think that manners as passé, then perhaps I am doing a poor job of explaining their relevancy. Or maybe I am just setting the bar too low.

Take a moment when you’re out to listen to the way that many of us talk to one another. Or consider the way that so many of us regale strangers with the unsolicited and unwelcome details of our personal business as we chat on our cell phones in public spaces. Get a load of daytime talk shows or reality TV. Or just try to get a good head count for an event requesting guests to RSVP. Things do not look very promising. We appear to be a society of increasingly self-absorbed and intolerant individuals. Which is where the role for good manners should come in. At least this is the case I am making to my children.

When we are courteous we acknowledge the value of others with whom we are interacting or are in proximity. This means that it is not all about us. But it has become increasingly easy to insulate ourselves from the fact that we still live in community when we are so often tuned into our ipods or cell phones or laptops and out of the interactions taking place around us.

I worry that this propensity to operate in a bubble of self-absorption is reinforced by the manner in which we relate technologically. Texting, emailing, and instant messaging connect us to one and other, but these are largely unilateral endeavors. We send. We receive. We are at the center of our own personal universe of information, most often operating without benefit of the nuances or dynamic interplay of personal connection. Could this be why many of us seem to have become so comfortable talking to others while tuned in almost exclusively to ourselves and our needs?

In an effort to help our kids mature into discerning individuals, we have given them free reign to question the manners we enforce. We believe that manners should have teeth. That there should be some practical, relevant reason for their existence. And so, instead of autocratically demanding compliance, we have always offered a challenge that they ask us for the underlying “why” when they don't get it. If we can’t come up with something solid to back it up, we will be willing to concede that it may be time to dispense with certain expectations.

And they have questioned many things. One biggy was the expectation that they write timely thank you notes, a longstanding non-negotiable in our household. This practice is easy to defend because thank you notes serve the practical purpose of confirming to the giver that their gift was received. But they offer so much more. And giving my children the opportunity to question their relevancy provided a wonderful chance to share this with them. The few minutes it takes to dash off a note of thanks moves them beyond themselves. It provides them with the opportunity to acknowledge and appreciate the other person in the equation. It fosters a sense of gratitude. This is the kind of stuff we are looking to encourage.

We live in an increasingly interconnected universe. Growing to see beyond our own egocentric selves is a basic validation of others that can promote goodwill and also up the odds that things will go well with our social interactions. There is nothing antiquated about that.

Speaking courteously to one and other, properly disposing of trash in a public places, being mindful of our cell phone conversations when we are out and about, these things remind us that we live in a world larger than ourselves. By acting with an appreciation for others we can elevate a situation and hone the interpersonal skills necessary for healthy relationships. I find it interesting that while good manners appear to be in short supply these days, there seems to be an overwhelming preoccupation in our culture with being accorded respect. We all want it, but we’re so busy demanding it there is often little room for reciprocity.

This has confirmed to my husband and me the wisdom in helping our kids appreciate the underpinnings of the courtesies we expect them to employ. By doing so we hope to help them mature into thoughtful individuals who can appreciate the importance of treating others with the kind of consideration they would like to be extended. Really we’re just working on the Golden Rule.

A rapidly changing technological world has fundamentally altered the manner in which we interact with one and other. Times have changed and I am willing to change with them. But I am not willing to allow the lowest common denominator of human behavior to dictate the quality of life in our household. I will not send my children out into the world without a healthy appreciation for the importance of conducting themselves with self-respect and with respect for others. I want them to learn empathy. I want them to be kind.

I see no sense in subscribing to an arbitrary set of rules intended to govern social interactions. That seems hollow and meaningless. But I do think it makes a great deal of sense to think through, personally and as a family, the values we subscribe to, the manner in which we would like to be treated, the way in which we want to operate in the world. And then make that the standard for our own behavior. The world would be a truly lovely place if we all gave this a shot. But it can be a unilateral endeavor. We are free to choose our own walk. We can be the change we want to see happen.